In The Dark Place

On an episode of Grey's Anatomy (my life obsession) Christina is acting weird and quietly upset and Meredith asks "Are you in the dark place?" She said yes and Meredith said she was there too. I'm in the dark place today. It's hit me hard today that for the past month I haven't been myself. Funny we don't notice that when it's happening. Having a baby was such a huge transition. It's exciting and it's scary as hell. I started to get nervous that I would never get to 'have fun' again. So I started taking on every social oppurtunity possible. Some of them were great and it was fun to just hang out. But last night I went out with friends and stayed out until like 2am. And I left the boyfriend's debit card at the bar. I was irresponsible with someone else's property. Someone I love. I was also incapable of taking care of jax bc I took 3 benadryl to sleep when I got home. Today I woke up to the boyfriend asking for his debit card and it all just kind of hit me. I got this 'what the hell am I doing?' feeling. And i've had that feeling all day. I've missed 3 different appt's in the past month bc I've been too irresponsible to write them down. I've been thinking about the past month and realizing that's not how I want to be. Going out with friends every now and then is fine, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But I have a child now. And he is the love of my life. And this is where I need to be... With him in my arms. I love him so much and he makes me happier than any party or anything else. I was so scared things were going to change and I wasn't going to 'have a life' anymore. I feel like an idiot bc things have changed, they are supposed to. And I do have a life, it's just a different one. And this life, this life as a mother, is the best possible life in the world.