Struggle

I'm in between how it is and how it should be.

I am at the crossroads and have to make a move quick. I don't usually get into the details of what is actually happening in my life but this time I am.

I am single. I am a single mother. It's not the easiest place to be. But I tried as hard as I could to make something work for the sake of having a family , but wanting something so bad doesn't always make it happen. It sucks and it hurts and I'm not happy about any of this, but at the same time, this is just what is happening.

I am moving to Jackson. But I need a place to live. I need a job. I need to figure out what to do with Jax while I'm at that job. I need to figure out a lot. Basically how am I going to make it?

I've been praying a lot because I need Him to show me what to do right now. So I've reached out to some people spiritually and it hasn't necessarily led me to anything. I don't know what to do.

I guess that's the whole point of this post. There's nothing insightful, nothing inspirational, nothing witty. It's just a cry out I guess.

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

The Race

Only once before my current relationship have I really considered marriage. And that one time ended with me getting bitch-slapped in the face. Ouch. So yeah, I'm not a big fan of the whole thing. Not because I'm bitter, but because it's the one area in life where I'm realistic. But life has changed and things have happened. And getting married isn't just something that affects me and my husband-to-be. It affects my son.

I've been in bliss picking out bridesmaid's dresses and flowers. But I get a bit of an anxiety attack when I think about the actual being married part of it. This is bad, but I've always decided being totally honest is the only way to write. And it's not the boyfriend's fault. He's a great guy and the best father in the world. It's more of a problem within myself combined with a few relationship problems we have. But I keep ignoring these anxiety attacks because I am 'supposed to get married'. But these are my thoughts on this as I have had a mini-epiphany while I drive down Hwy 84...

Marriage is like a marathon. You have to be ready for it. People don't just do a marathon without training for it. I'm metaphorically out of shape! Like The Biggest Loser out of shape. I've lost myself trying to make things work and also being defeated by life's mini-battles.

So I need to take time picking up the bits and pieces of myself that I've lost along the way. I need to put them back together and take a picture so I won't forget, because right now the image is quite blurry. And it's nobody's fault but my own for losing the strength I've always prided myself in having.

So back to this marathon, I need to take some time to train. Because when I do this marathon, I don't want to be miserably dragging along in the back panting and out of breath. I want it to be a good experience and dammit I want to win.

broken

Honesty is scary. It makes you feel weak. Vulnerable. You are putting yourself out there. You are putting your heart on the line. Strength and character are based on how you deal with it when your heart is handed (or hurled) back to you. It's always tough to be the weak one. Makes you feel like a dumbass. But I've decided putting yourself out there and things not going the way you hoped doesn't make you weak. It makes you brave. And getting through it makes you strong. So here's to bravery and strength. I'll get by with a little help from my friends. And I'll still smile and believe in love everytime I look at Jax. Because the way I feel about him... Now that's love.




All you can do is be yourself. "Be yourself, it's the one thing you can do better than anybody else". Know that you deserve the best and if someone makes you feel like you don't, screw them. The only one that can make you feel inferior is you. So don't let anyone make you doubt your beauty and the great things that make you who you are.

It's all about self-awareness. Be aware of the good things. But also be aware of the bad. Recognize your faults and work on them. It drives me crazy when people sit on their high horse and state their morals but don't act like those morals exist when they don't feel like it. Consistency people. If you are going to believe in certain things and throw those things in people's faces, then don't be a damn hypocrite.

People say if someone is always on your mind, they are supposed to be there. But then again, people say don't waste your time thinking of someone if they aren't thinking about you too. So I'm not wasting my time. Either you love me or you don't, either you think I'm a good person or you don't. Either this or that and blah blah blah. But no matter what you think, I know me. And I love who I am.

"and through the rise and falling apart, we discover who we are"