The Thought of Tomorrow Ruins Today

I was listening to Colin Hay yesterday and he has a song called 'Waiting For My Real Life to Begin'. And there are several quotes that talk about waiting for life to happen but those moments spent waiting are actually our life passing by. What a waste of time. But we always do it. How crazy would life be if the thought of tomorrow didn't exist? If we truly lived one day like it was our last? I think it's a good idea to live like today is our last day but it's not realistic. I mean, if today was my last day I would go skydiving, tell certain people how I really feel about them, drive across the country (or as far as I could get before the day ends) and maybe rob a bank. And some days I just like to stay in my pajamas and only get off the couch to pee. It's not how I would spend my last day but it's still a great day. Sometimes we have a day or a moment when we feel like we are truly living. I feel like that right now.

I'm in Atlanta for Thanksgiving. The thing I love about Georgia is the nature. There are hills and trees and true signs of it being fall. I took a blanket, a book, my camera, and my iPhone (for music) I'm laying in the middle of the woods. It's beautiful and I'm surrounded by yellow and red leaves and right now there are two squirrels playing their own version of tag about 25 ft away. I'm actually really scared of squirrels. My high school boyfriend told me to watch out for the squirrels because a girl got attacked by one in the Grove. He told me this when I told him I was going to Ole Miss in the fall. Thanks buddy. So ever since then if I see a squirrel I make a combat plan in my head in case one decides to attack me. So I'm a little nervous right now but I feel like I can handle my own against these two, I'm feeling a sense of courage here.

I'm very happy at this moment. I feel like I'm living. I have these moments a lot but I decided to record this moment so I can look back on it when I'm not having a good moment. Or maybe to inspire you to have one of your own. There are always excuses not to have one. Tomorrow being the main one. But mine today were the fact that it's a little chilly and I don't have a jacket. The ground is kind of wet. And I love being in the woods but I hate spiders. I am still a little chilly. And I brought 2 blankets to sit on so I don't get wet. But for a moment like this, being a little chilly and dealing with a couple spiders is so worth it. Don't live today like it's your last. Just go do something TODAY that you will do 'tomorrow'. Peace.

Monsters Aren't Just Under the Bed Anymore

It freaks me out that there are people in the world like that five-year old's mother in North Carolina. If you haven't been watching the news, the body of a five-year old girl was found and the story is that her mother was prostituting her daughter and that's how she ended up dead.

I'm sick to my stomach about this. Because this is one of several stories about parents killing their children or something similar. How? For nine months she carried this child inside her body. She felt her kick and she heard her cry as soon as she was born. She saw her sweet baby's eyes gazing into hers as she drank her bottle. How can someone do this? Reports say she was calm and quiet in court. No remorse, no emotion. A five year old girl being prostituted. And then murdered.

Innocence is the beautiful thing about children, and how dare anyone who takes that away. I'm so mad right now I could scream. Mainly because I just don't get it. It's difficult to believe that there are people out there who are so messed up in the head that they don't think twice about doing something like this and also don't feel any emotion afterwards. It's scary. It makes me more cautious about doing things I never thought twice about like walking around alone at night or getting into my car outside of a store. I never thought anything could happen to me and maybe it's because I didn't really think there were true monsters out there. But there really are. That's what people like this are... they are monsters, barely even human.

I feel so bad for what this poor innocent girl had taken from her and what she went through and how scared she had to be. And it's terrible that things like this are going on constantly. I hate it and it makes me sad. I wish there was a way to protect the innocence of every single child out there.

Highway Thoughts

I drive a lot. More than most I think. I always have. Depending on what's going on in life determines where these destinations are. The last couple years at Ole Miss I drove to Little Rock about once a week because that's where my 'crew' of the time was. Crew is such a lame word. Now I'm always driving to either Jackson, Natchez (where my parents are) or New Orleans (where my best friend and other group of fantastically wonderful girls are that I met through my best friend a few years ago).

But I always go alone. Because I like it that way. It's where I do my thinking and where I listen to my music that inspires me and makes me sing and makes me dance and sometimes makes me cry. I'm writing all of this because I realized when I got on here to start writing that most of my blogs are written while driving, specifically down 84 which is where I am now. I don't recommend this and I do realize it is a bit stupid and quite dangerous to blog while driving. But I write anyways because any writer knows when it hits you, it must be written at that moment or the ideas and/or feelings fade. So if it's written later it almost becomes something that is no longer written in first person because you are trying to remember what you were thinking and how you felt.

Sooooo... The original point of this entry. I want to start my own publication. I've never had the urge to do this before. I've always been happy seeing my articles in other people's papers. But Hattiesburg only has it's daily newspaper. There is no Jackson Free Press type of thing here. Which is a total shame because JFP is freakin awesome and so interesting. We need something like that here. And as much as I don't want to take on this huge amount of stress, I think I'm going to do it. My favorite part is that when I've mentioned it to a few people here they look at me like 'yeah, right, good luck with that'. What a freakin joy it is to prove people wrong. I can so do this.

And you know what's weird? People say everything happens for a reason. I kind of believe that, and I've seen an awesome connection between a couple things that have happened. I got a job selling advertising and marketing businesses for a magazine. Well I couldn't continue with that job because I'm staying in Hattiesburg and that's too far from my designated area. It was horrible and I was (and still am) so upset because I fell in love with the magazine and the people I worked with. But now I see... Maybe I was supposed to do this (start my own publication) and I got that job to learn how to sell advertising! Because I know how to write, take pictures, and I know graphic design. But before that job I had no clue how to sell advertising which is the most important part. Crazy huh?

So speak of things happening for a reason. I'm on the side of the road now, I got pulled over for speeding. It wasn't even on purpose, I'm not even in a hurry. I just wasn't paying attention because I was all into what I'm writing. So maybe I shouldn't write while driving. Crap my dad is going to freakin kill me. Until next time...

Simmer Down Now

So many things have happened in a short period of time that I cried so hard I was to the point of hyperventilation. It just got to be too much for me to handle. Which brings me to this realization... it is too much for ME to handle alone, I need HIM. I felt so stupid for worrying myself to the point of hyperventilation, because He is standing there waving His hands and yelling "Yo over here! I can do it, just come to me and I got your back!"

A very dear friend of mine, we'll call her Dr. Bailey, gave me a book a couple weeks ago. "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. If you aren't familiar with her, drive to the bookstore right now or listen to her podcast on iTunes. A Christian woman who is humble, real, admittedly imperfect, passionate, and the best part... she is hilarious. And Southern : )

Anyways, the book talks about captivity and the chains holding us down. These words sound like something out of 'Troy' or 'The Gladiator', but they are very real in each of our lives. Of course we don't have actual chains holding us to the ground, or at least I hope you don't, if you do I don't really know what to tell ya. But for the rest of us, we have different kinds of chains. These chains can be doubt and lack of trust. They can be drugs or alcohol or even shopping. And the one we don't see as chains can be people. Are you putting someone in the place where God is supposed to be? I have plenty of times.

One big thing I read made me sit back and think 'whoops'. It focused on the issue of believing God. Not believing He exists and that He is up there somewhere and hopefully we'll see Him one day. I mean believing Him. Believing Him when He says the things He says and tells us what He can do.

Believing He is real and believing Him are two very separate things.

If a close friend tells you "I will be there for you always. You can talk to me anytime. I will never turn my back to you. I will love you more than you can imagine no matter what horrible things you do." When you hear that, you believe that person and it's a great feeling. So why don't we believe God when He tells us the same thing? Maybe you believe He'll always be there and blah blah blah. But if we are dealing with problems in life and worry about them, we are not believing Him. When we turn to other things or people instead of Him, we are not believing Him. I could go on and on, but hopefully you get the point. We can say we believe Him, but do we really? Are we acting like we believe Him?

Worrying= doubt= not believing.

Another thing that made me step back was the issue of praying. Praying is tricky. It can be tough, honestly. We are humans and we like to talk to people we can physically see and physically hear. You have to realize the power of prayer for it to be something meaningful to us. Not 'the power' as in if you pray for a big house you will turn around and there's a big house waiting for you to move in. I mean the power it has to make your relationship with God intimate and fulfilling. The enemy knows how powerful prayer is and it freaks him out. He will distract us with anything to keep us from praying. Even with things we think are good like going to church or reading the Bible all night looking for answers. These things are good, but they are a package deal. They are only good when there is prayer involved. If the enemy is so freaked out about us praying, there has to be a pretty big reason for it.

You have to think of what you have with God as an actual relationship. Think about your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife. What kind of relationship would you have with that person if you only talked to them for 2 minutes before you went to sleep at night. Or only came to that person after you've gone to everybody and everything else for help with a problem. Or didn't believe him or her when they told you how much they loved you. What a terrible relationship that would be! You have to think of your relationship with God that way. That's the one point that totally changed my life. When I realized what a relationship with Him actually meant. The correlation with that and how physical human relationships work made me realize I need to involve Him in my life all day every day, take Him with me wherever I go, don't just talk to Him right as I'm falling asleep at night or only when I'm having a problem.

So these are the things I have learned in the past few days. I thought it would be selfish not to share. If Dr. Bailey hadn't shared with me I would still be on the floor and defeated. The amazing thing is, the second I believed Him, I felt total peace. He literally told my heart 'Dude don't worry, I got this. I am going to be right by your side as you go through all of this and I can hands-down take anybody or anything that gets in your way. You just have to trust me." How lucky are we to have that on our side?

Show Me The Money!

it's weird when you go to college, you are there (mostly) to get a degree. so that when you get your degree you can start your career. but they never tell you that when you graduate, that degree doesn't really mean much. i mean it does in a sense, but it doesn't mean you get a job. I WANT TO WORK! i'm going crazy, i want to write or be involved in a publication in any way even if it is just to get coffee or change the urinal cakes in the bathroom. it's weird they call them cakes. i just want to have something to do every day, feel like i have some sort of purpose somewhere. I want to have a task and complete it.

i used to be on a search for a job that i will love because i don't want to be miserable in my job like the majority of people these days are. but now im on a search for absolutely anything. and it's weird because i don't even know how to go about a job search. do i just go into a magazine or wherever and ask to talk to the editor so i can hand her my resume and tell her i'll do anything? oh the pathetic desperation that will be echoing in my voice as i speak.

they should have a class in college (they probably do at some) that specifically teaches you about the real world and how to go about finding that job. maybe i had a class similar to that but i didn't go much. i don't know. anyways, this post isn't me just thinking out loud (or in writing i guess i should say). it's an actual request. i don't get many comments on my posts, but i know there are people out there who read this. i hate when i don't get comments by the way, it makes me feel like what i've written is pointless, like it didn't affect anyone. not that my purpose for writing is to always get feedback. i don't know. my mind is in 732 places today, can't ya tell? i start writing something but then i don't have a point or know how to finish the thought so i just say 'i don't know'.

anyways, back to the point. im a journalist, i love photography, i love public relations, i love anything that goes into the field of 'communications'. I have a resume. I have a portfolio. How the heck do I find a job? I need advice and/or opinions. Some people don't know how to comment on the actual blog, so if that's the case and you have some advice for me, email me. brynndalynn24@gmail.com. Anything and everything is appreciated!

By the way, I've been asked by a family member who will go unnamed for the sake of the argument it will cause later, to stop writing this blog. "You are putting your personal life out there for everyone to see. You look like an idiot, that's what it is doing. It's making you look like a total idiot." Ouch. So I questioned my motives about writing this blog. Why do I do it? I guess some of it is ranting; expressing myself for the sake of getting it out of my head. But I also want to affect people. Not in a huge way because that is tough to do. But have some sort of affect, maybe for someone who is going through what I'm going through. Or for someone who is having their own problems and they see other people struggle too. But I also don't want that to be what all my blogs are about... struggles and blah blah blah. I want them to be uplifting, some of them witty, some of them pointless and retarded. But with the crap I'm going through right now, that's just what they are about for the time being. Basically I am just asking, should I stop writing? Is there a point to it?

Struggle

I'm in between how it is and how it should be.

I am at the crossroads and have to make a move quick. I don't usually get into the details of what is actually happening in my life but this time I am.

I am single. I am a single mother. It's not the easiest place to be. But I tried as hard as I could to make something work for the sake of having a family , but wanting something so bad doesn't always make it happen. It sucks and it hurts and I'm not happy about any of this, but at the same time, this is just what is happening.

I am moving to Jackson. But I need a place to live. I need a job. I need to figure out what to do with Jax while I'm at that job. I need to figure out a lot. Basically how am I going to make it?

I've been praying a lot because I need Him to show me what to do right now. So I've reached out to some people spiritually and it hasn't necessarily led me to anything. I don't know what to do.

I guess that's the whole point of this post. There's nothing insightful, nothing inspirational, nothing witty. It's just a cry out I guess.

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

The Race

Only once before my current relationship have I really considered marriage. And that one time ended with me getting bitch-slapped in the face. Ouch. So yeah, I'm not a big fan of the whole thing. Not because I'm bitter, but because it's the one area in life where I'm realistic. But life has changed and things have happened. And getting married isn't just something that affects me and my husband-to-be. It affects my son.

I've been in bliss picking out bridesmaid's dresses and flowers. But I get a bit of an anxiety attack when I think about the actual being married part of it. This is bad, but I've always decided being totally honest is the only way to write. And it's not the boyfriend's fault. He's a great guy and the best father in the world. It's more of a problem within myself combined with a few relationship problems we have. But I keep ignoring these anxiety attacks because I am 'supposed to get married'. But these are my thoughts on this as I have had a mini-epiphany while I drive down Hwy 84...

Marriage is like a marathon. You have to be ready for it. People don't just do a marathon without training for it. I'm metaphorically out of shape! Like The Biggest Loser out of shape. I've lost myself trying to make things work and also being defeated by life's mini-battles.

So I need to take time picking up the bits and pieces of myself that I've lost along the way. I need to put them back together and take a picture so I won't forget, because right now the image is quite blurry. And it's nobody's fault but my own for losing the strength I've always prided myself in having.

So back to this marathon, I need to take some time to train. Because when I do this marathon, I don't want to be miserably dragging along in the back panting and out of breath. I want it to be a good experience and dammit I want to win.