In The Dark Place

On an episode of Grey's Anatomy (my life obsession) Christina is acting weird and quietly upset and Meredith asks "Are you in the dark place?" She said yes and Meredith said she was there too. I'm in the dark place today. It's hit me hard today that for the past month I haven't been myself. Funny we don't notice that when it's happening. Having a baby was such a huge transition. It's exciting and it's scary as hell. I started to get nervous that I would never get to 'have fun' again. So I started taking on every social oppurtunity possible. Some of them were great and it was fun to just hang out. But last night I went out with friends and stayed out until like 2am. And I left the boyfriend's debit card at the bar. I was irresponsible with someone else's property. Someone I love. I was also incapable of taking care of jax bc I took 3 benadryl to sleep when I got home. Today I woke up to the boyfriend asking for his debit card and it all just kind of hit me. I got this 'what the hell am I doing?' feeling. And i've had that feeling all day. I've missed 3 different appt's in the past month bc I've been too irresponsible to write them down. I've been thinking about the past month and realizing that's not how I want to be. Going out with friends every now and then is fine, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But I have a child now. And he is the love of my life. And this is where I need to be... With him in my arms. I love him so much and he makes me happier than any party or anything else. I was so scared things were going to change and I wasn't going to 'have a life' anymore. I feel like an idiot bc things have changed, they are supposed to. And I do have a life, it's just a different one. And this life, this life as a mother, is the best possible life in the world.

Ace of Base

Where is my sign? I talked to God tonight for the first time in a while. Like hardcore honest talk. I read Wild At Heart and he talked about God showing him a sign. Maybe it was the book his wife wrote 'Captivated'. Anyways, he asked for a sign from God as he was looking at the water and all of a sudden he saw all of these whales. The same thing happened to his wife ecxept she saw hundreds of starfish. I was talking to Him tonight and I asked Him to please show me a sign that he was there and listening. I asked Him to please give me a shooting star because I was staring at the sky. I waited and waited begging please. Nothing. I needed Him to let me know he was there. And I told Him I know I should just trust that He was there. But I so desperately wanted Him to show it. Now I'm angry at Him for not 'showing up' and I know that is stupid. But if other people get their signs, why can't I?

One-Man Wolfpack

It's tough being the only one of your close friends that has a baby. Sometimes I feel like everyone is living this life without me... Like one day they'll be telling stories about this crazy time they had and everyone is laughing but I won't be a part of that story because I'm at home with the baby. And then the baby looks up at me or makes a funny face while he's sleeping or grabs onto my finger and I realize I have this wonderful life that isn't any less wonderful because I missed out on that crazy time. But still... it's tough. It's hard being the only one. If I had other 'mom friends' it wouldn't be so bad because we could all tell stories about what our child did the other day. I know people that have had babies, but there is nobody here where I live that I'm close to and has a baby. Except my hairdresser. Is it bad that one of the highlights of my life is going to the hair salon so I can have 'mom conversation'? It can get lonely being the only one in this phase of my life. But I'm also not unhappy because I have a child, I'm actually really happy because he is amazing and he is my heart. I just wish I had someone here going through the same thing. He started smiling last week and it completely melts my heart when he smiles. And when I hold him to my chest it feels like he is hugging me. And that melts my heart too. I stare at him all the time. He looks absolutely nothing like me. I thought that would make me sad. But it doesn't at all. I'm just so full of emotions when I look at him that I don't care who he looks like. I just love looking into his eyes. Or watching him breathe. He completes me (Jerry McGuire moment?). I miss my friends, I miss my old life where all I had to worry about was me. But I absolutely love my new life with my son. I guess these feelings are yet another symptom of quarter-life crisis. Transition can be tough. But change is good. Change makes you stronger. And I'm a fan of strength. 

One of Those Days

It's one of those days. I like to think everyone has them sometimes and that it's not just me.  I'm talking about one of those days where you feel completely alone. And this is depressing. It doesn't matter if you are actually in a room by yourself or surrounded by 100 people... the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming. 

Like nobody gets you, nobody understands you, and nobody wants to try to do so. Even though this is not completely true because you know if you called your close friend or maybe even your brother they would listen to you break down... either out of obligation or because they really want to... either way you don't want to do this. Because it is pointless... nothing will make this feeling go away. 

I'm down at the beach which just so happens to be my favorite place in the world. But I can't even force a smile on my face. The boyfriend and I got into a huge fight and he left for Mississippi at 3 in the morning. My family is mad at me because we got into a fight. So that is lonely x's two. My friends are all having their fun at their 4th of July parties. Lonely x's three. 

I sat on the balcony last night with Jax by my side and I watched the fireworks exploding across the bay. They were too far away to hear the loud booms which takes away 50% of the appeal. 

I thought of about 10 different metaphors for the silent fireworks I watched alone that could easily apply to my life. My life isn't bad though... that's what makes this feeling so weird. I felt on top of the world 48 hours ago as I proudly held my son while my parents and the boyfriend smiled in awe at him. Life was great. 

So this feeling has come over me like a case of food poisoning from Wendy's (it's happened twice... beware of the dollar menu) and it is intense. I try and think back on all those times where I sat crying over something that made me feel like my life was over and I would never smile again. After time had passed, each one of those nights is almost worthy of a laugh because they were so insignificant. The situation I had been in whether it had involved a boyfriend, my family, a friend, or just crazy hormones on the bottom of the life roller-coaster, seemed at the time to be the end-all be-all. 

But they never were. So that's what I keep telling myself to make this feeling not seem so freaking important and life-changing. Time will go by, things will work out. Jax will look up at me and smile and it will no doubt force me to smile back. My family will stop being mad at me (because they are family and forgiveness is their job I think). The boyfriend and I will either work it out or not work it out, but either way I'll be ok. And next time I'll make sure I'm where I can hear the fireworks and I'll look back at this day and laugh at how stupid it all was. Right?