Now I Get It

I grew up believing in Romeo and Juliet love. I dreamed about it, couldn't wait to experience it. Experiences came, and the reality of what it was overlapped the feelings I dreamt of. After that goes on for so long, those feelings are so faded it almost feels like you are remembering something in third person.

I felt those feelings finally about 5 years ago. Long story short, after a little over a year, Romeo dropped Juliet like a bad habit. And she knew she'd never be the same. She vowed to never let herself feel that hurt again, because at the time she didn't think she'd make it out alive.

So yeah, no thanks to that. I'm good.

I got in more relationships after that, but nothing ever worked out for long. But I didn't care very much. I didn't realize it at the time, but I didn't care that much because I never let myself get to that point emotionally where I would care if someone went away. I was fine either way. I was numb. For five years, I've been jaded (not bitter, just jaded). Everything changed a week ago.

There's a boy. I've felt drawn to him for quite a while. But never explored those feelings. We were both involved in other situations that prevented us from exploring those feelings. But last week, the journey began and the exploration has led to feelings I didn't know could exist.

I went home to see my Mom and sat her down and told her after my breakup five years ago, I never thought I could feel those feelings again. But I feel them now and I can't stop smiling. My eyes filled with tears and I told her how wonderful it is to feel this alive. We cried together, hugged, and I told her all about this guy I was head over heels in love with. She listened with tears in her eyes and a smile painted on her face that mirrored mine. It was one of my favorite moments ever and I realized how much I love my mother and can't imagine life without her.

Last week I began something with someone. And I'd marry him tomorrow. HOW CRAZY IS THAT? If you know me well, you know how crazy I sound. But I can't stop freakin smiling, I can't feel anything but happy.

Now I get it. Now I know what love is supposed to feel like. Even though this is happening so fast, it is the most real thing I've ever experienced. I am so thankful God allowed me to cross paths with this person. He waited until just the right time, and He gave me someone He knew would be perfect for me. I hope I remember this daily, that it is because of Him that I'm getting to experience this. I hope He becomes a fixture in the center of our relationship.

I'm scared to death. I feel like I've just jumped off a cliff and I'm praying to God that my wings work. I could list a hundred things I'm scared of and a hundred more feelings I don't want to ever have to feel again. But I can list a million reasons to go for it.

So here's to the big jump. Look up and you might see me soaring with a smile that won't go away.