Now I Get It

I grew up believing in Romeo and Juliet love. I dreamed about it, couldn't wait to experience it. Experiences came, and the reality of what it was overlapped the feelings I dreamt of. After that goes on for so long, those feelings are so faded it almost feels like you are remembering something in third person.

I felt those feelings finally about 5 years ago. Long story short, after a little over a year, Romeo dropped Juliet like a bad habit. And she knew she'd never be the same. She vowed to never let herself feel that hurt again, because at the time she didn't think she'd make it out alive.

So yeah, no thanks to that. I'm good.

I got in more relationships after that, but nothing ever worked out for long. But I didn't care very much. I didn't realize it at the time, but I didn't care that much because I never let myself get to that point emotionally where I would care if someone went away. I was fine either way. I was numb. For five years, I've been jaded (not bitter, just jaded). Everything changed a week ago.

There's a boy. I've felt drawn to him for quite a while. But never explored those feelings. We were both involved in other situations that prevented us from exploring those feelings. But last week, the journey began and the exploration has led to feelings I didn't know could exist.

I went home to see my Mom and sat her down and told her after my breakup five years ago, I never thought I could feel those feelings again. But I feel them now and I can't stop smiling. My eyes filled with tears and I told her how wonderful it is to feel this alive. We cried together, hugged, and I told her all about this guy I was head over heels in love with. She listened with tears in her eyes and a smile painted on her face that mirrored mine. It was one of my favorite moments ever and I realized how much I love my mother and can't imagine life without her.

Last week I began something with someone. And I'd marry him tomorrow. HOW CRAZY IS THAT? If you know me well, you know how crazy I sound. But I can't stop freakin smiling, I can't feel anything but happy.

Now I get it. Now I know what love is supposed to feel like. Even though this is happening so fast, it is the most real thing I've ever experienced. I am so thankful God allowed me to cross paths with this person. He waited until just the right time, and He gave me someone He knew would be perfect for me. I hope I remember this daily, that it is because of Him that I'm getting to experience this. I hope He becomes a fixture in the center of our relationship.

I'm scared to death. I feel like I've just jumped off a cliff and I'm praying to God that my wings work. I could list a hundred things I'm scared of and a hundred more feelings I don't want to ever have to feel again. But I can list a million reasons to go for it.

So here's to the big jump. Look up and you might see me soaring with a smile that won't go away.

vultures

i've been thinking about small-town life lately. because, well, i live in one. it sucks because it's such a great town... most of the time. i mean, great restaurants, old historic houses, a beautiful bluff overlooking the mississippi. but with a small town comes small town gossip. and if you aren't careful, it can eat you alive.

no matter what you do, people are going to talk about you. that's just how it is. reasons can vary from jealousy to just pure boredom or the need for a conversation topic to keep things interesting. the majority of the time, the gossip is false. but that doesn't matter in the conversation. i mean, we all know, the juicier the better, right? if a girl goes out to eat with a guy, it's so much better to talk about how they are dating now as opposed to oh they must be good friends. yeah, the latter will never be said. it's not as fun to discuss.

the trick is to stay grounded. don't limit what you want to do (as long as it is appropriate, if you do something that give them something to really talk about- for example: dancing on a table in a restaurant - then yeah, they have something worthy of discussion). be yourself while also respecting yourself. now don't think that puts you in the clear. your life will still be among conversation, but as long as you stay true to yourself and know who you are as a person, that talk can only go so far. basically, don't let them bring you down.

i'm not sure why people tend to want to bring other people down. i mean, hell, why can't we all just freakin get along? because girls will be girls and boys will be boys and cliques will be cliques and that's just how it is... so get used to it!!! the quicker you realize this, the better off you will be. you can either choose to let it affect you (and they win) or you can choose to go on with your life with the confidence you should have and love yourself the way you are supposed to (you win). so you choose.

i've chosen. of course it is humanly impossible to not let little things bother you at first. but that is where it needs to end. that is where you need to let it go. don't think negative about the person using your name like one of those balls in a pinball machine. that's a waste of time and you are also lowering yourself to that level. just move on. that's it. it's simple. easier said than done. but still... simple.

if you live in a small town, i hope this helps a little bit. it is something i've had to learn. and learning always kind of sucks because there is a little pain before the realization. but i'll take the pain and appreciate the lesson learned.

don't let cattiness or gossip ruin where you live. don't blame the town. don't blame circumstances. don't blame anything. because that involves pondering on it and we've already said- that's a waste of time my friends. chances are the town you live in is actually a neat place. small towns usually are. find out what makes your town interesting. find a spot to call 'your spot'. go there often to think or read or write. find out about the history of where you live. it's more fun imagining the people that walked the streets a hundred years ago that you walk down every day. this may sound nerdy, but it's my inner dork making it's appearance in my blog like it usually does.

to sum it all up, nobody can make you feel inferior but you. so stop listening to what people say about you and listen to what yourself has to say to you.