Now I Get It

I grew up believing in Romeo and Juliet love. I dreamed about it, couldn't wait to experience it. Experiences came, and the reality of what it was overlapped the feelings I dreamt of. After that goes on for so long, those feelings are so faded it almost feels like you are remembering something in third person.

I felt those feelings finally about 5 years ago. Long story short, after a little over a year, Romeo dropped Juliet like a bad habit. And she knew she'd never be the same. She vowed to never let herself feel that hurt again, because at the time she didn't think she'd make it out alive.

So yeah, no thanks to that. I'm good.

I got in more relationships after that, but nothing ever worked out for long. But I didn't care very much. I didn't realize it at the time, but I didn't care that much because I never let myself get to that point emotionally where I would care if someone went away. I was fine either way. I was numb. For five years, I've been jaded (not bitter, just jaded). Everything changed a week ago.

There's a boy. I've felt drawn to him for quite a while. But never explored those feelings. We were both involved in other situations that prevented us from exploring those feelings. But last week, the journey began and the exploration has led to feelings I didn't know could exist.

I went home to see my Mom and sat her down and told her after my breakup five years ago, I never thought I could feel those feelings again. But I feel them now and I can't stop smiling. My eyes filled with tears and I told her how wonderful it is to feel this alive. We cried together, hugged, and I told her all about this guy I was head over heels in love with. She listened with tears in her eyes and a smile painted on her face that mirrored mine. It was one of my favorite moments ever and I realized how much I love my mother and can't imagine life without her.

Last week I began something with someone. And I'd marry him tomorrow. HOW CRAZY IS THAT? If you know me well, you know how crazy I sound. But I can't stop freakin smiling, I can't feel anything but happy.

Now I get it. Now I know what love is supposed to feel like. Even though this is happening so fast, it is the most real thing I've ever experienced. I am so thankful God allowed me to cross paths with this person. He waited until just the right time, and He gave me someone He knew would be perfect for me. I hope I remember this daily, that it is because of Him that I'm getting to experience this. I hope He becomes a fixture in the center of our relationship.

I'm scared to death. I feel like I've just jumped off a cliff and I'm praying to God that my wings work. I could list a hundred things I'm scared of and a hundred more feelings I don't want to ever have to feel again. But I can list a million reasons to go for it.

So here's to the big jump. Look up and you might see me soaring with a smile that won't go away.

vultures

i've been thinking about small-town life lately. because, well, i live in one. it sucks because it's such a great town... most of the time. i mean, great restaurants, old historic houses, a beautiful bluff overlooking the mississippi. but with a small town comes small town gossip. and if you aren't careful, it can eat you alive.

no matter what you do, people are going to talk about you. that's just how it is. reasons can vary from jealousy to just pure boredom or the need for a conversation topic to keep things interesting. the majority of the time, the gossip is false. but that doesn't matter in the conversation. i mean, we all know, the juicier the better, right? if a girl goes out to eat with a guy, it's so much better to talk about how they are dating now as opposed to oh they must be good friends. yeah, the latter will never be said. it's not as fun to discuss.

the trick is to stay grounded. don't limit what you want to do (as long as it is appropriate, if you do something that give them something to really talk about- for example: dancing on a table in a restaurant - then yeah, they have something worthy of discussion). be yourself while also respecting yourself. now don't think that puts you in the clear. your life will still be among conversation, but as long as you stay true to yourself and know who you are as a person, that talk can only go so far. basically, don't let them bring you down.

i'm not sure why people tend to want to bring other people down. i mean, hell, why can't we all just freakin get along? because girls will be girls and boys will be boys and cliques will be cliques and that's just how it is... so get used to it!!! the quicker you realize this, the better off you will be. you can either choose to let it affect you (and they win) or you can choose to go on with your life with the confidence you should have and love yourself the way you are supposed to (you win). so you choose.

i've chosen. of course it is humanly impossible to not let little things bother you at first. but that is where it needs to end. that is where you need to let it go. don't think negative about the person using your name like one of those balls in a pinball machine. that's a waste of time and you are also lowering yourself to that level. just move on. that's it. it's simple. easier said than done. but still... simple.

if you live in a small town, i hope this helps a little bit. it is something i've had to learn. and learning always kind of sucks because there is a little pain before the realization. but i'll take the pain and appreciate the lesson learned.

don't let cattiness or gossip ruin where you live. don't blame the town. don't blame circumstances. don't blame anything. because that involves pondering on it and we've already said- that's a waste of time my friends. chances are the town you live in is actually a neat place. small towns usually are. find out what makes your town interesting. find a spot to call 'your spot'. go there often to think or read or write. find out about the history of where you live. it's more fun imagining the people that walked the streets a hundred years ago that you walk down every day. this may sound nerdy, but it's my inner dork making it's appearance in my blog like it usually does.

to sum it all up, nobody can make you feel inferior but you. so stop listening to what people say about you and listen to what yourself has to say to you.

Follow Through

Life has been pretty good, can't complain. Got a new place to live, it's on Franklin Street, which if you aren't familiar with Natchez is Antique Row. I love antique stores and am very happy about being in the midst of them. I love downtown living, I'm half a block from the coffee shop (aka my office basically) and the bluff is a couple hundred yards away. I am still hanging pictures and such but it will be such a great feeling when it truly feels like home. Which hopefully will be soon.

I got a job. And quit a job. I worked at Monmouth Plantation for a couple of months and absolutely loved it. Working at such a beautiful and historic place was amazing. I spent most of my lunch breaks fishing at the pond or reading in a hammock. But I wasn't getting enough time for my photography and graphic design work and also wasn't getting to be around jax as much as I prefer. I love the people I worked with so it is bittersweet.

I have ideas. I'd like to start a PR/marketing firm. There are so many great things in Natchez but nobody knows about them. I want to be that middle man that spreads the word so these places can get the business they deserve. The Mighty Martini Bistro and The Manor are two places I'd like to see do well. Apparently The Manor has a blues band in the basement on the weekends and I think that would be so much fun. But like I said, nobody really knows about it.

I also would love to start a library. Not a big huge library. A low-key library with a limited number of books, mostly classics and best-sellers. But the whole point of this place is so people have a place to study or read. I want to have several desks and work areas for students that need to meet to work on projects. I want it to be open late as well because that's when a lot of people study. And of course there will be coffee served there! I just think it would be great for students, especially those at co-lin and alcorn, have a chill place to study for school. There is a place on Union St that would be perfect. And it has a huge brick wall outside which would be cool to show old movies on with a projector. And everyone can bring chairs or blankets and watch it from the old Mainstream Fitness parking lot. I've always liked when movies are shown outdoors with a projector, makes me think of the good ol days when there were drive-in movies. The old Feltus Bro Hardware Store would be perfect too. It has it's own courtyard and a really huge brick wall so the outdoor movie thing would work perfectly there.

So basically I see all of these things that Natchez has, there's so much potential. I desperately want the arts and the downtown scene to become newsworthy, our Main St and connected streets could be just as famous as Beale St in Memphis. We have the history and the culture. We need to encourage the arts more, especially in the schools. There is so much I want to do. I get scared that I won't follow through with anything. So many great ideas down the drain.

Roadside Revelations

it's been a while. i haven't really felt like writing lately. i haven't thought anything that's been on my mind was important enough to write down. but then i realized maybe it could be to someone. i also wanted to keep a lot of the things private because they are far too personal feelings to share. so i've stayed away from here in order to censor myself because when my fingers land on the keyboard i tend to be too honest and open. funny i can't be that way when speaking to someone. the honest part i can but not so much the open part.

i've been thinking about love lately. i don't usually write about the mushy stuff. but it's been on my mind a lot lately. mostly from observing people's behavior around me and then watching tv shows and movies that make real life look less desirable. the guys in the movies are listening to every word that comes out of the girl's mouth because they are just so fascinated by her. the guys i've observed in real life might as well not have been born with ears.

i'm not dating by any means, i am just talking about guys in general. i've been feeling a little lonely lately and wishing i had love in my life, but then i look at the bigger picture. i might feel lonely for a couple minutes or a couple hours, but that's ok because i'm not ready for love yet. i'm happy with just me and jax. he is my one and only focus, and that's not going to change any time soon. i don't want it to.

the lonely thing, well that's just normal human nature because we all want to be loved. it doesn't mean that i'm looking for anything or want anything right now. if love came right now, it just wouldn't work out because it's not the right time in my life. i am so glad that i realize this because it allows me to be patient knowing one day it will happen. in the meantime, i am just fine cuddling with jax and telling him about my day.

so that's enough of that. i've taken a couple of trips lately. nothing big, just short road trips. i've stopped on the side of the road to take a picture that i used to just keep driving past when i had lost pieces of myself. i've roamed around for hours in antique stores coming up with my own stories behind each piece of jewelry or salt and pepper shakers. i've talked to strangers and listened about their lives. i've gone hiking in the woods by myself just to look around and take in the beauty God created for us to enjoy. i've been doing things i used to do, things i enjoy, things that make me who i am. things i had stopped doing when i wasn't sure who i was anymore.

i've been thinking about my photography a lot lately. i wondered why i haven't really pushed my business. i have just sort of been laying low and if someone likes my pictures and wants me to take some for them i'll do it. i've come to the conclusion i'm scared to death of failing at it. so i don't want to try because i would either fail or succeed, and it means too much to me to fail at it. so i've really thought about it and the only way i could fail is not being educated on all the things i need to know about photography. i've just relied on my 'eye' and been lazy about learning about lenses and technique and all of that. i told myself i'd rather just take pictures that i like and i don't have to learn all of that. frankly because i looked at all of that stuff once and it was so confusing i gave up after one paragraph. not because of a lack of intelligence, just because of laziness. that sucks to say, but it's the truth.

so i've been doing a lot of research lately and have really been studying hard. i want to know the in's and out's, every possible detail and every technique. i want to know how a lens is made and the science behind it. i want to know everything. i'm very happy about this and feel after i've done enough studying, i will be ready to put myself out there and really go for it. i'm still really nervous about failing, but i've never been one to analyze risks. so why start now?

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up"

The Thought of Tomorrow Ruins Today

I was listening to Colin Hay yesterday and he has a song called 'Waiting For My Real Life to Begin'. And there are several quotes that talk about waiting for life to happen but those moments spent waiting are actually our life passing by. What a waste of time. But we always do it. How crazy would life be if the thought of tomorrow didn't exist? If we truly lived one day like it was our last? I think it's a good idea to live like today is our last day but it's not realistic. I mean, if today was my last day I would go skydiving, tell certain people how I really feel about them, drive across the country (or as far as I could get before the day ends) and maybe rob a bank. And some days I just like to stay in my pajamas and only get off the couch to pee. It's not how I would spend my last day but it's still a great day. Sometimes we have a day or a moment when we feel like we are truly living. I feel like that right now.

I'm in Atlanta for Thanksgiving. The thing I love about Georgia is the nature. There are hills and trees and true signs of it being fall. I took a blanket, a book, my camera, and my iPhone (for music) I'm laying in the middle of the woods. It's beautiful and I'm surrounded by yellow and red leaves and right now there are two squirrels playing their own version of tag about 25 ft away. I'm actually really scared of squirrels. My high school boyfriend told me to watch out for the squirrels because a girl got attacked by one in the Grove. He told me this when I told him I was going to Ole Miss in the fall. Thanks buddy. So ever since then if I see a squirrel I make a combat plan in my head in case one decides to attack me. So I'm a little nervous right now but I feel like I can handle my own against these two, I'm feeling a sense of courage here.

I'm very happy at this moment. I feel like I'm living. I have these moments a lot but I decided to record this moment so I can look back on it when I'm not having a good moment. Or maybe to inspire you to have one of your own. There are always excuses not to have one. Tomorrow being the main one. But mine today were the fact that it's a little chilly and I don't have a jacket. The ground is kind of wet. And I love being in the woods but I hate spiders. I am still a little chilly. And I brought 2 blankets to sit on so I don't get wet. But for a moment like this, being a little chilly and dealing with a couple spiders is so worth it. Don't live today like it's your last. Just go do something TODAY that you will do 'tomorrow'. Peace.

Monsters Aren't Just Under the Bed Anymore

It freaks me out that there are people in the world like that five-year old's mother in North Carolina. If you haven't been watching the news, the body of a five-year old girl was found and the story is that her mother was prostituting her daughter and that's how she ended up dead.

I'm sick to my stomach about this. Because this is one of several stories about parents killing their children or something similar. How? For nine months she carried this child inside her body. She felt her kick and she heard her cry as soon as she was born. She saw her sweet baby's eyes gazing into hers as she drank her bottle. How can someone do this? Reports say she was calm and quiet in court. No remorse, no emotion. A five year old girl being prostituted. And then murdered.

Innocence is the beautiful thing about children, and how dare anyone who takes that away. I'm so mad right now I could scream. Mainly because I just don't get it. It's difficult to believe that there are people out there who are so messed up in the head that they don't think twice about doing something like this and also don't feel any emotion afterwards. It's scary. It makes me more cautious about doing things I never thought twice about like walking around alone at night or getting into my car outside of a store. I never thought anything could happen to me and maybe it's because I didn't really think there were true monsters out there. But there really are. That's what people like this are... they are monsters, barely even human.

I feel so bad for what this poor innocent girl had taken from her and what she went through and how scared she had to be. And it's terrible that things like this are going on constantly. I hate it and it makes me sad. I wish there was a way to protect the innocence of every single child out there.

Highway Thoughts

I drive a lot. More than most I think. I always have. Depending on what's going on in life determines where these destinations are. The last couple years at Ole Miss I drove to Little Rock about once a week because that's where my 'crew' of the time was. Crew is such a lame word. Now I'm always driving to either Jackson, Natchez (where my parents are) or New Orleans (where my best friend and other group of fantastically wonderful girls are that I met through my best friend a few years ago).

But I always go alone. Because I like it that way. It's where I do my thinking and where I listen to my music that inspires me and makes me sing and makes me dance and sometimes makes me cry. I'm writing all of this because I realized when I got on here to start writing that most of my blogs are written while driving, specifically down 84 which is where I am now. I don't recommend this and I do realize it is a bit stupid and quite dangerous to blog while driving. But I write anyways because any writer knows when it hits you, it must be written at that moment or the ideas and/or feelings fade. So if it's written later it almost becomes something that is no longer written in first person because you are trying to remember what you were thinking and how you felt.

Sooooo... The original point of this entry. I want to start my own publication. I've never had the urge to do this before. I've always been happy seeing my articles in other people's papers. But Hattiesburg only has it's daily newspaper. There is no Jackson Free Press type of thing here. Which is a total shame because JFP is freakin awesome and so interesting. We need something like that here. And as much as I don't want to take on this huge amount of stress, I think I'm going to do it. My favorite part is that when I've mentioned it to a few people here they look at me like 'yeah, right, good luck with that'. What a freakin joy it is to prove people wrong. I can so do this.

And you know what's weird? People say everything happens for a reason. I kind of believe that, and I've seen an awesome connection between a couple things that have happened. I got a job selling advertising and marketing businesses for a magazine. Well I couldn't continue with that job because I'm staying in Hattiesburg and that's too far from my designated area. It was horrible and I was (and still am) so upset because I fell in love with the magazine and the people I worked with. But now I see... Maybe I was supposed to do this (start my own publication) and I got that job to learn how to sell advertising! Because I know how to write, take pictures, and I know graphic design. But before that job I had no clue how to sell advertising which is the most important part. Crazy huh?

So speak of things happening for a reason. I'm on the side of the road now, I got pulled over for speeding. It wasn't even on purpose, I'm not even in a hurry. I just wasn't paying attention because I was all into what I'm writing. So maybe I shouldn't write while driving. Crap my dad is going to freakin kill me. Until next time...